DOWN FROM THE HIGH

The Baby Blues and/or the culmination of more than a week's sleeplessness is/are definitely kicking in.

Had a terrible day yesterday - very teary and worrying over everything from how much James is sleeping (lots) to how little he feeds for (often just a 5 or 10 minute 'snack') and not spending enough time with Charlotte. 

It was all compounded by the fact we were missed off the midwife's list of visits, so stayed in all day for no reason, when we had plenty of other things to be doing. After chasing them up, a midwife finally came round at 7pm, and thankfully put my mind at ease over most of my concerns. How different the day could have been if she'd come earlier.

James has put on a bit of weight - but not up to his birth weight yet, so we're getting another midwife visit on Tuesday before we're discharged. When he does feed properly he is just a much more efficient feeder than Charlotte ever was, but the 'snacking' is normal too. And some babies just sleep an awful lot more than others. He's just soooo different to Charlotte, I find it all a bit disconcerting. But we have had a bit more awake time in the last couple of days - and he seems a very chilled out, content little chap.

15 MONTHS OLD

Blimey - life's just so busy at the moment what with working, raising a 1-year old child and being pregnant with a second I just don't have time to update my blog very often.

At the risk of sounding repetitive, the past month has seen us dealing with yet more eating and sleeping issues. At one point about three weeks ago, Charlotte stopped eating almost completely. She wouldn't even touch her favourites - cheese and fruit. We eventually put it down to a tummy bug as she was a little bit sick, and slowly re-introduced easy purees and pouches of food.

A few days after she started eating something she perked right up and started eating us out of house and home for a couple days. Thankfully with the food 'sign' and her saying "Ooof", we know when she's hungry now which is useful.

Her appetite's levelled off now, and we still have days of struggling to get her to eat an awful lot, but that's more about keeping her attention rather than things she does and doesn't like. One day even the old favourites get pushed away, and only banana and a petit filous will do. One thing we have found that she loves is Tesco's Goodness microwave meals for over-1s. They seem pretty nutritious, and it's nice to have found something that bridges the gap between 'baby food' and 'proper meals'.

The last ten nights Charlotte has also been testing us to the limits with sleep deprivation once again. She's been up at least once a night, usually for at least 2 hours before she'll settle back down. We've tried letting her cry it out, holding her hand, nightlight, teething gel, paracetamol - one night one of those might work, the next night they don't.

But last night, she slept right through with just a couple of murmurs. No idea what will happen from here - whether a couple of nights of tough love letting her cry a bit more have worked, whether it was a one-off good night, or whether she's over this latest phase. Who knows? Guess we'll find out tonight. Really hope it's the latter.

Oh, and she's taken her first steps. That was a pretty big one that I nearly forgot. It's a fairly wobbly half dozen steps or so, but she loves trying to walk between me and her Daddy! "Again" she keeps saying - actually she says that  A LOT - usually for a book we've already read 14 times.

Had our 20 week scan a couple of weeks ago - although was 21+1 weeks. All good - and unlike last time, my placenta's not low-lying. I've had far fewer "skinny days" than I did with Charlotte - I'm feeling Twiglet several times a day, which is so reassuring. We were tempted, but we DIDN'T find out what flavour he/she is - so best start sorting the 'neutral' baby clothes from last time pretty soon! 

13 MONTHS OLD

Crikey! Is it really six weeks since my last blog? Been so busy, literally no time to get my thoughts down.

So, I'll start with the big news..... Charlotte's going to be a big sister in January, all being well!! We've obviously known for several months but only just gone public with it. I did write a couple of secret blogs when we first found out which I'll publish after this one because my head was all over the place at first.

It wasn't exactly a shock - it was planned. Being the wrong side of 35 we didn't know how long it might take this time round, especially given what we went through before Charlotte came along. But I don't think we were exactly prepared for it to happen quite so quickly, and so far, so smoothly.

There'll be 19 months between them - which isn't as close as some we know, but plenty close enough. And the close age gap does leave me with some trepidation.

I hope we've ironed out Charlotte's eating habits by then. She's so erratic... mostly going through a 'not eating' phase at the moment which is really stressing me out. At her one year review at the health visitor they said there was nothing to worry about as she's still perfectly on her weight curve and seems very happy and healthy. She's probably getting everything she needs over the course of a week, but it's so frustrating the days she just won't touch things she's happily eaten before.

predictably though, she does like chocolate!

Ever since she was really poorly on her first birthday I think we've had two nights where she's slept right through. Most nights we've had to go in at least twice - sometimes taking an hour to get her back down. Recently it's been her latest teeth coming through, but other nights she wants water, her dummy, or is just being a right pickle. As if I've not been tired enough going through the first trimester again!

But all her other development continues to delight and amaze us - especially her 'talking'. Her vocabulary is getting bigger and bigger. And I love watching her sat with a book 'reading' it to us. Her latest word, where she points to hers and ours - is "elbow". What 13 month old knows "elbow" for goodness sake?!!

Helpfully, she can now tell us when she's hungry by going: "food" and doing the baby sign for food. Unhelpfully she knows the words for her favourite foods - cheese and banana - which she'll scream at us if she's not happy with whatever it is we've given her.

Cheese was the only thing to put a smile on her face when she had her 13-month jabs, though. You have never seen anyone so delighted to be offered a Babybel - I thought she was going to burst with excitement!.

She's also practising standing without holding on to anything. So I guess it won't be too long until walking follows.

Charlotte still screams and clings onto me when I drop her off at nursery every Friday. But these days when we pick her up, she's always happy and babbling away telling us very excitedly what she's done with her day. And the outside of our fridge is rapidly filling up with the obligatory 'paintings' and 'cut and stick' artwork!

a couple of recent pics to break up a really long and overdue blog

Aside from my pregnancy, the other big news, I guess, is that I've gone back to work (albeit only until Christmas now!). It has given me a new lease of life. I'm so loving being back - I feel like I've got a part of my old self back. If I'm honest, on really busy days, I don't give Charlotte too much thought as I know she's being well looked after by either her Dad or Grandparents - all of whom she loves spending time with. 

She seems far happier not to be with me day in, day out. And it means the days when it is me looking after her I don't feel like it's such a slog; it's more of a treat and I'm not trying to think of different things to do each day, as she's already doing different things with Granny or at nursery or with Daddy.

DANCING QUEEN

Charlotte's started to boogie on down! When she hears any kind of music, mobile ringtones, or just when we say "dance" or "are you dancing?" she sways side to side and moves her head to the beat. It's hilarious, and so cute!

Elsewhere, she's keeping us on our toes as ever. Naps can be anything between 20 minutes and 1 hour 20 - there's just no guessing these days. And one mealtime she'll be good as gold eating my food, trying to use the spoon herself and wolfing down her finger food - and the next she'll throw everything  on the floor and spit out all her food. It can be extremely frustrating at times.

I've just got to keep telling myself SHE'S JUST A BABY - although she turns one in just six weeks. Can't believe it.

NINE MONTHS OLD

Bleeuurrrghh - her mornings are getting earlier and earlier. 0530 this morning. No longer the more bearable 0710 that she was doing for so long. Over the past couple of weeks Charlotte's literally been up with the birds - no matter how dark her room is. Really hoping it's just a phase. Although I am very lucky that my OH works from home and most days is very happy to get up with Charlotte at first light and give me an extra hour or two in bed, so I really can't complain.

While some days and weeks can still drag, if I'm honest, I can't believe we've made it to nine months already. Over the past month or so, I can really see the little girl Charlotte is turning into - and she's definitely edging more towards toddler and much less of a baby.

We had a visit from a Health Visitor this week as we've only recently moved to the area, and while she was here she did Charlotte's 8-12 month development check. No concerns whatsoever - Charlotte 'performed' brilliantly with plenty of babbling (which at times can sound like full on conversations!), following some of our commands (clap, clap; kiss dog) and playing with her musical toys. She's getting so good at imitating some of our sounds - to the point where she's almost getting there with actual words (balloon, and definitely Daddy).

Not really any nearer crawling, but she's stretching further and further forward with her bum off the ground, and always gets to what she wants by rolling. She's also started pointing at things quite a lot. To be honest, I'm relishing being able to put her down in one place for a while and know she'll pretty much still be in the same place, and not yet needing the eyes in the back of my head!

Her eating's a bit more back on track after her illness. Still favouring the easier jars of food to my home-cooked, slightly lumpier stuff. And as she's still a small baby her portions are still pretty small. She's slowly getting a little better with finger food - no problem at all with her favourites: bread, cheese and some fruits - strawberries and melon particularly), but we're persevering with others like broccoli and carrot that mostly just end up on the floor.

Bizarre one today when we took her to the pub - she happily munched away on a pickled onion for ages. 

Perhaps some of my food is just too bland!

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD

We're having food issues this week - good and bad.

Charlotte started weaning last Thursday on her five month birthday - very, very slowly at first, just one new flavour every three days, and just one attempt each day. So far. so good. She took the baby rice and banana off the spoon pretty easily, and seemed keen for more even after three teaspoons. But I don't want to overfeed her solids at this stage while milk's still her main intake.

But given the encouraging signs so far, I may  increase it to two sessions of trying solids a day next week. Other than the consensus on what  to feed your baby, weaning seems to be another area where there's conflicting advice over when, how often, how much etc. So I'm really trying to use my instincts and Charlotte's lead on this one and see how we get on.

The not such good issues concern her milk feeds. In the mornings, even before we started the solids, she's had a tendancy to barely touch her milk - maybe 40ml - even when she's slept through without a feed since 6.30 the previous night. I think we've sorted this one though - she seems to take a bit more when we leave it at least half an hour after she's got up, and make sure the milk's a little warmer than she used to take (i.e. not just room temperature).

But the real biggie is her evening bottle. She's still refusing to take it from anyone but me. She'll take a little from her Dad, but then when she realises who's feeding her she'll scream and scream and not take anymore. And once she does take more from me there doesn't seem to be any consistency as to how much she'll take - sometimes barely 100ml, sometimes a full 220ml. Sometimes I think it was easier on the breast when I never actually knew how much, just that she was satisfied.

What with her continually erratic naps, her Grandma keeps telling me Charlotte's just keeping us on our toes. She certainly is that.

FIRST HOLIDAY, FIRST TANTRUMS

I can't believe I haven't blogged for almost a month - we've been really busy, and have just come back from Charlotte's first holiday.

We went to Cyprus so she could meet most of my side of the family. She was an angel for the flight there and back - only grizzling when she was ready for a nap. Thankfully, a four and half hour flight worked perfectly to feed her on take-off and landing. The flight home was full so there was very little room to rock her to sleep, but I managed.

She was of course on my lap for the flight, but tried out her own seat for size.

Over there she revelled in all the attention from the family. And most days I really felt like I was getting a proper break as we were staying with my parents who were always willing to help out.

It got rather trickier towards the end of the week though as Charlotte appears to be developing separation anxiety, and we had several massive screaming tantrums with full on tears - particularly at bedtime when she wouldn't let anyone but me feed her. She would almost immediately calm down if I held her, or even came close - much to the understandable upset at first of my OH. I think her Grandma was a bit put out too, as she's usually very good at calming down babies. Hoping this is just a short phase as it's already getting really rather wearing on me, and I find it very difficult to let her cry and cry.

We were also sleeping in the same room as her which meant we never got a decent night's sleep. On top of her usual noises, she was up twice each night and difficult to get back to sleep - possibly because she realised we were in the room with her. The four nights of her properly sleeping through last month seem an awful long time ago and must have been a blip!

However, on the plus side, the holiday also saw a number of big developments. Charlotte's definitely found her feet and can spend ages playing with them - even managing to get one in her mouth! She's sitting with the bare minimum of support, and most excitingly I guess, rolled from her back to her front (and back again), which she's managed a couple of times since we've been back too.

Having her first paddle in the Med

Another significant milestone is that I have finally given up breastfeeding entirely. I feel very sad and emotional about the decision, and there will be a separate blog on this to follow.

But on the whole the holiday was a success, and Charlotte certainly stole the hearts of all the family over there who can't wait to see her again.

FOUR MONTHS OLD

Everyone keeps telling me how quickly the past four months have gone since Charlotte was born - "gosh, hasn't time flown?". No - not for me it hasn't. I don't mean that in a bad way; it's just that I have felt every day of the past four months, it's actually gone quite slowly, and it feels like she's been with us for far, far longer.

I'm sure there will come a point in the coming months when on reflection things might have felt like they've gone past a little quicker. But right now I still have days that feel like a week and weeks that feel like a month. I guess it's just the repetitive nature of looking after a baby. Having said that, when I went to buy her latest nappies yesterday I no longer bought 'new born' ones, and I saw a tiny, tiny baby in a car seat that must have been only days old. It's moments like that when I realise how much time has passed, and that Charlotte isn't a tiny, newborn baby anymore.

She's started breaking her 25/40 minute nap habit over the past few days. We've had a few morning naps of 50 minutes, and even a lunchtime one of an hour and a quarter, which I'm really pleased about. 

But with one issue 'solved', along comes another. She's started to refuse to take her evening bottle from her Daddy. She just screams and screams and gets herself worked up into a right state to the point that only I have then been able to clam her down enough to feed her. It's not the bottle or the formula she's refusing as she'll take both from me - we're wondering if she's just starting to make associations with people. Daddy is for fun and Mummy is for feeding, and she doesn't like any deviation from that. However, right now she seems to be taking a bottle of expressed milk from him quite well, so fingers crossed it was just a brief phase.

IT'S ALL IN THE JEANS

Charlotte will be four months old on Monday, but she's only just growing out of her 0-3 month clothes. However, it's been fun this week trying her in some new outfits that were bought for her when she was born, for her to grow into. I'm jealous - she's got a better wardrobe than me!. She's also managed to fit into her first pair of jeans, and they make her look so grown up!.

Although I've always thought Charlotte looks like a proper little girl, we've had quite a few comments from strangers telling us what a beautiful BOY we have! The jeans won't help that, I guess. And there are moments when I think she does look a bit like Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons!

We are moving a bit more towards combination feeding now. Partly because Charlotte's becoming fussier and fussier on the breast, and for the same reason we've been giving her a bottle before bed - because her short naps mean a feed and sleep usually collide and she falls asleep less easily on the bottle. I try to give her expressed milk at the early afternoon feed when I can, but not stressing about giving her formula if I have to. It is quite emotional dropping another breast feed after four months of almost exclusive breastfeeding, though.

ACTIVE MONKEY

It's been a busy week for Charlotte. On Monday she totally surprised us by lifting her head and shoulders while on her tummy. It came totally out of nowhere, given that for the past three and a half months she's hated being on her tummy for any more than about 30 seconds. I just rolled her over to do up a dress and she was up, looking around, happy as anything for a good few minutes.

So she's been practising that all week - and we tried her in her door bouncer for the first time, too. She took to it straight away, seemed to really enjoy it - kicking her legs in a walking type motion and spinning round. I think she's still a bit too light to actually bounce yet, but it bodes well that she tried to use her legs to walk.

Shouldn't be too long before she's heavy enough to bounce properly - her latest weigh-in with the Health Visitor was a success. A nice healthy 5.5kg (12.1lb) - a steady gain of 500g in three weeks, heading further towards the 25th percentile and away from the 9th. The only change we've really made to her feeding has come in the last week when we've introduced a formula feed before bed. Not necessarily to 'tank her up' - but because she's so exhausted by 6.30 (I don't need to remind regular readers of her poor daytime naps/sleeping), she just keeps falling asleep on the breast before getting a decent feed. She falls asleep less easily on the bottle, and I'm happy to start introducing formula just once a day at this stage. In fact on Tuesday night she slept right through from 7.30pm - 6.50 am, so something must be working.1

And if all that wasn't progress enough, she had her first swimming lesson on Wednesday too. She was absolutely fantastic. Not a single grizzle, even though she was tired, and seemed quite at home in the water on her front and back. We're doing Aquatots lessons, and I really enjoyed it and enjoyed meeting some more new Mums as well. No photos, as with the sad state of society we're forbidden from taking pictures of our own children in a swimming pool, so I'll just have to wait until we're on holiday.

THREE MONTHS OLD

Well, we've made it to the magic three months - I'm told things should start falling into place from here on in!

To be fair, I think we're doing pretty well already. Charlotte's managing to nap more often than not in the flat now, albeit mostly only for 25-45 minutes; and she's virtually sleeping through the night. Most nights she's down by 7.30pm and she's been waking later and later for her feed... last "night" was 5.50 this morning!, then she went back down for another hour or so.

I'm really pleased I persevered with the breastfeeding, as that seems to be going OK. Keep wondering when I can lengthen the time between feeds (mostly still feeding every three hours, sometimes three and a half) - but if she's not up until 8am and then has her last feed around 6.30pm, there are only so many hours in her day to get another three or four feeds in.

I often get e-mails from various baby websites telling me what my 12 week old, or three month old, or whatever 'should' and 'could' be doing - always with the caveat that babies all reach different milestones at their own pace, and not to worry if my baby's not doing what others are. But you can't help but wonder "what if" - what if the fact Charlotte hates tummy time so much means she won't sit up/crawl/walk properly; what if her catnaps affect her development; what if she doesn't start talking in another year or so?

To be honest, I'm not really worried about the latter two examples, and even the first one is concerning me less as she's been making further strides in trying to roll onto her side - craning her neck, arching her back etc; and her back and neck are getting stronger and stronger when held upright. She'll be fine, and will do all the things babies are supposed to do - eventually.

ROUTINES, PATTERNS AND LAUGHTER

As Charlotte approaches 12 weeks, I've been really trying to see the patterns in her behaviour to see if it will help us with sticking to any form of routine. So far as I can tell, she can't go past two hours without needing a nap, or else overtiredness very quickly sets in and it's extremely difficult to put her down for a snooze.

That's particularly true when it comes to her nighttime sleep. She really needs a little nap sometime around 5pm to make sure she's not overtired by the time we put her down at around 1845. The last few nights we've made sure that's happened by taking her out for a walk, and she's gone down with barely a whimper.

She's also edging back to between three and three and a half hours between feeds, after last week's growth spurt and extra feeds. While we've been trying to do the EASY (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You Time) routine, because she only catnaps, at least once a day it means Eat and Sleep fall at around the same time. That results in her falling asleep while feeding, or not sleeping well because she's hungry.

The first nap of the day is getting much easier to judge. It's usually around an hour and a half after she's got up, she's usually pretty easy to put down and she'll sleep for up to an hour. The only downside to that is that it falls at exactly the time I'd like to take her to a couple of sessions at the local Children's Centre (Baby Beethoven and Baby Stay and Play), which both start at 9am. So I'm giving those a miss for the time being, while we continue to establish a routine and pattern to Charlotte's day.


She also tends to be at her most alert and active in the afternoon. She's started grabbing toys that are put next to her and being much more co-ordinated with hitting objects. She did get a bit upset when she couldn't work out that she had to ungrip her fingers to let go of something, but I think she's worked that one out now!

The absolute best moment came on Tuesday evening - just as we were about to wind down from playtime to nighttime. Charlotte came out with two bouts of the most brilliant laughter. It was proper, full-on giggling that had me weeping with happiness! I hope to hear much more of that in the weeks and months to come...

THE SECOND GUESSING

Firstly, just a quick update on the breastfeeding. I've persevered and I think we're getting back on track. Charlotte's still being rather fussy after about 10 minutes, but I just keep going, and all the signs are that she's getting plenty of food. She's certainly content - she's currently playing with her favourite toy: a helium balloon tied to her ankle or where she can grab the ribbon with her hands, and squealing and kicking like a mad woman!

Still not managing to express much, but I'll persevere with that as well, and hopefully that'll also get better once the 'message' gets to my body over several days that it needs to produce a bit more milk at certain times. All in all I think we only ended up giving her one bottle and a couple of top-ups of formula, which makes me feel good. We'll see what happens at her weigh-in on Wednesday, but wet nappies and a happy, content child tells me what I need to know.

Now, I spent much of yesterday wondering how Charlotte managed three nights of sleeping for six-and-a-half to seven hour when we were up North. What were we doing differently last week up there? Was it a slightly darker room? Was it the long sleeps in the middle of the day in the car? Was it the more relaxed atmosphere with lots of relatives helping me stay relaxed and giving her plenty of attention? Was she getting more fresh air? Was it because her Moses basket was static, not in its rocker? Was it even the couple of alcoholic drinks I had while we were away? There are just too many variables - as has also proved to be the case in today's unusual daytime sleeps (see below).

Since we've been back home though she's been back to her 2330 and 0330 wake ups - no longer than four hours sleep at one time.... until last night, out of nowhere! She slept from 1900 until 0130 which really threw me. Sadly, she didn't go back down to sleep very well. She spent the best part of three hours chewing on her hands, despite my best efforts to restrict her arms under her sheet and put her dummy back in.

The chewing her hands is really un-nerving me - she's doing it right now - though I'm still pretty sure it's her just discovering them, rather than necessarily telling me she's hungry. But I fed her again, and she eventually dropped off for another hour and a half.

Charlotte then threw us another curve ball. After a week of sleeping for no longer than half an hour in her Moses basket in the day, she went down for more than an hour and a half this morning between 0830 and 1010. She wasn't in her gro-bag, so may have been slightly cooler, which might have helped. Or was it because she was in her slightly darker nursery, rather than our room? I really have no idea. The only thing I can guarantee is that if we try the same things again tomorrow, they won't work...!

edit: just put her in her basket for a second while I got ready to take her out for a lunchtime sleep in her pram as I was pretty sure we wouldn't see a repeat of this morning - and she's fallen asleep! She must be really tired after last night's fist chewing session (and all that playing with her balloon!).

We're a long way from the first two weeks when she'd only sleep on people (she won't do that now!) - and I find myself not knowing what to do with myself once she's asleep in day!

WHEN BREAST ISN'T BEST

My confidence has been knocked again - partly from Charlotte's disappointing weight gain earlier in the week, but also down to several other issues surrounding breastfeeding.

Without going into too much detail, my breasts feel physically different and Charlotte's become increasing fussy around feeding. She's also taken to sucking and chewing on her hands more and more - which I think is just the coincidence of her discovering her hands and fingers at a bad time rather than her being permanently hungry.

After most feeds she still seems content, and we're still getting through as many nappies. But things just don't feel like they did a week or so ago.  I know feeding changes as babies get older and more efficient at it, but I feel more like we're going backwards - with her not always latching on properly and fussing so much. I've also not successfully expressed for days.

Myself and my OH have decided on the occasions Charlotte still seems hungry after feeding from me, we'll offer her formula. Currently she's not taken anymore than about 50ml, usually much less, which means she must be mostly satisfied from me. Such is the propaganda from all the health professionals, though, it makes me feel like I'm offering her poison - which is obviously ridiculous because millions of babies are brought up on formula alone, and it's far more important that my daughter is well-fed however that happens. Knocking expressing on the head for the moment, while I concentrate on making sure I feed Charlotte everytime myself.

But just the idea that I may have to give up breastfeeding before the 3 or 4 months I had intended to do it exclusively found me in a very emotional state. That stress itself won't help my milk production or help Charlotte feed more properly. Hopefully seeing her well-fed and happy (and if that means using some formula, so be it) will lower my stress and anxiety levels and get us back on an even keel.

TWO MONTHS OLD

Charlotte is two months old today, and we've just got back from having her first immunisations (or second if you count her BCG on day one). What another absolute farce at the doctors. Despite going over with them at length if there was any problems in her not having her 6 week check-up until she was nearly 10 weeks (after they kept cancelling and not having the available staff), when I got there today I was told she couldn't have her jabs until she'd had her check-up.

After an angry and tearful exchange, they booked me in for both her check up and immunisations for Friday, but I was allowed to see the Health Visitor today. She was weighed - 4.3 kg/ 9.47lb - and sadly she's dropped into a lower percentile. While the HV said she wasn't concerned at this stage (though asked me such stupid questions such as 'do you think you've got enough milk in your breasts? - how should I know???), she does want to weigh Charlotte again next week.

And despite her saying she's not concerned, it still knocked me sideways a bit, because I think she's been feeding really well. But - as both Grandmothers have pointed out to me - when she's awake she's so active, she'll burn off far more energy than many more docile babies. We're back to 'no two babies being the same' again. All I do know, is that after her feeds she is almost always content. 90% of the time we seem to have a very happy, playful baby. Certainly not one that is underfed and constantly crying for food (though the increased chewing on her hands has caused me some concern, but she does that even after a really good feed as she's clearly discovering her hands and fingers).

When I came out from that check-up, a little upset, the receptionist told me there'd been a cancellation, so the Doctor could do her 6 week check up (at nearly 9 weeks!) then and there, and therefore she could have her jabs. Check-up was mostly fine, but we've been referred to a specialist as the GP picked up a heart murmur. He said it was more than likely benign, and pretty common, and nothing really to worry about. But you can't help but do with a tiny, helpless baby when you're told her heart needs attention.

And then came her jabs. At first she screamed no more than we hear most days when she's overtired, but about 30 seconds later she let out an almighty howl - louder than I've ever heard. It was the perfect storm of the needles, being tired and hungry. I just tried to comfort her as best I could.

We're back home now after the best part of two weeks at both sets of grandparents. And I must say it feels a bit daunting all over again without their support for the coming weeks. But Charlotte is definitely still making progress. I think we've just about nailed getting her an hour's sleep in the mid morning - usually around 9am - without too much of a fuss. Now we're trying to crack a longer sleep around lunchtime. The past six days though, that's been easy because we've had long car journeys that have fitted in, and she's slept right through most of them. Just need to transfer that sleep to the Moses basket now.

Talking of sleep, as expected, her seven hour stretches at night from the past few nights didn't continue. She was up as usual at around midnight and 4am for feeds. Only what I expected to be honest, and it really isn't a problem. Not sure what she'll do tonight after her jabs.

Driving back down yesterday - with two months under our belts - I got to thinking about what advice I'd give to one my closest friends who's expecting her first baby in December. Here's what I think I'd tell her to expect:

• You will read books and internet forums searching for advice - but take all of that with a pinch of salt and really try not to. A lot will scare you. The best people you can go to, for the best advice and reassurance, are your friends who've been through it all so recently.
• You will live your life by the clock - checking how long since your baby last fed, had a sleep, has been asleep, needs waking for a feed.
• Just as you think you've got the hang of something, i.e. breastfeeding, your confidence will be knocked when your baby throws you a curve-ball by doing something different (eg sleeping for longer/shorter, feeding for longer/shorter) and so you start to question everything all over again.
• You will get conflicting and confusing advice from all the health professionals - and they'll make you feel guilty about everything: feeding, weight gain, sleep - yet qualify it with every baby is different. Try to follow your gut instinct, even when you feel you have none.
• The overwhelming love and bond may not be there instantly. It's taking me weeks to get there, slowly.
• And the one thing that EVERYONE says, that is ABSOLUTELY TRUE, but which seems impossible during that first month, is that it DOES get easier. Your baby will become more manageable once you get to recognise their needs more and more, and once they start learning what to expect throughout each day.

HOLY MOSES!

I think it's telling that I've not felt the need to blog a new post in the past week (and not really had the time). I've not had to empty my brain of all the worry and anxiety nearly so much. Things are definitely heading in the right direction.

Last Tuesday I went to a breastfeeding 'cafe' at the local SureStart Centre - partly to get a bit advice to make sure I was still feeding Charlotte correctly, but also to try to meet a few new Mums. Chatted to a few women, but didn't really 'click' with anyone. Good tips on feeding in the searing heat - she was much less fussy when I stripped her naked, and feeding her more often to quench her thirst is also something I'll make sure I do.

Most importantly though, they weighed her. And she'd put on more than 200g in a week, which is excellent. I think part of my concerns over whether I'm doing OK with the breastfeeding was because my confidence was completely knocked by the previous week's tiny weight gain. Really, really pleased she's putting on weight.

She may have shed a few grammes on Thursday and Friday though, the amount she pooed! Since she was about three weeks old Charlotte's always had a 'bowel movement' every other day, which we were told was fine. But this week she had 4 or 5 A DAY. No idea why - maybe something I'd eaten - but she seemed perfectly happy.

If she doesn't have another one for a few days, we have a sure fire way of making sure she does have one - the poo chair. Without fail, if we put her in her swing chair or bouncer, and she hasn't pooed for more than a day, she always has one!

The last few days, she really has been good as gold. We were down at my parents for three days - I think she thrives off their attention, and me being more relaxed. We had a wonderful lunch out at a pub, got her passport photo taken, had a lovely afternoon with a crowd of my friends and their children, and plenty of gorgeous smiles and good playtimes - all despite a couple of disturbed night's sleep.

And today I've really seen several beams of light at the end of the tunnel. Charlotte managed an hour's sleep in her Moses basket for one of her morning naps, and a further half an hour in the afternoon. Still had to take her for a long walk in her pram at lunchtime when she was having none of it, but she stayed asleep in it once we got home for another half hour.

She also had a very enjoyable bath, and less than half an hour after putting her down to sleep (having read her half of The Tale of Jemima Puddleduck!) she'd settled herself straight to sleep without so much as a whimper.

Dream child - let's hope it continues and we can make further headway with her daytime sleeps.

GRANDPARENTS TO THE RESCUE - AGAIN

Another day, another quick escape down to my parents. Not because Charlotte was being any more difficult than usual - yes, she was still screaming every time I tried to put her down for a nap - but because of the constant pneumatic drill in our street. A screaming baby on her own I am just about managaing to cope with, but not with all the other noise cooped up in our small flat.

The car journey was a little tricky with me having to hold off her screams while also driving, but as soon as we arrived she was typically a little angel. She was making a number of noises I'd never heard before, and we're even convinced we saw something of a real smile - and not just wind!

But equally typically I also missed the tired window once again and it took a little effort to calm her down from her overtired state. And trying to get her to go down in the crib was a complete nightmare. We tried for three hours - in hindsight that was far too long and got me as worked up and distressed as it did Charlotte, and should have given in to her falling asleep on one of us after about an hour.

When she did eventually settle and go down - albeit already in a deep sleep rather than self-settling - she slept without waking for five hours. But it was seven hours since her last feed which left me with the dilemma of wake her or leave her. As she clearly needed her sleep, I let her sleep until she was definitely starting to wake up at 4.15. She'd made plenty of cough-like sounds through the night, but kept dropping herself straight back to sleep. So sleep was obviously her priority over food.

Through today I'm feeding her a bit more frequently - every three hours, maybe even more frequently as we head towards bedtime - so I don't fret so much over letting her sleep for longer periods at night without a feed. Perhaps that might also help in our endeavour to "set" her body clock to night and day, which in turn might help deal with the daytime sleep/naps issue. But as I keep saying - one thing at a time, and she's only 4 weeks old.

MISSING THE SLEEP WINDOW

OK, so we all know that the only things a newborn baby does is sleep and feed. Well the latter is certainly true. In fact I think I've been over-feeding Charlotte - adding to any painful wind problems she may be having.

However, she doesn't seem to be getting nearly enough sleep, especially in the day.

The biggest problem, we have now decided, is that I've been mis-reading her tired cues as hunger cues, so not only is she feeding too much, she's not sleeping enough - leading to that vicious circle I spoke about in my last post.

So my OH and I have decided now's the time - at three and a half weeks - to start setting down a routine. I'm starting with her feeding. Having been weighed at 8lb (3.64 kg) yesterday by the health visitor, we're good to let her go up to 4 hours without a feed - more at night if she manages to sleep that bit longer - as she's feeding well when she does. So that's stage one - making sure I don't feed her anymore frequently, except maybe before bedtime so she's definitely full up and may sleep longer. That will be tested in a couple of weeks in her next growth spurt.

We're also going to start doing a proper bedtime routine - winding down from 6pm - something we've pretty much been doing anyway, and she's been asleep by 9.30 every night since Thursday. We're just going to have to try to make that a bit earlier each night.

The other step is making sure she gets enough sleep in the day, which in the last five days or so we know she hasn't been. Initially, while we will keep trying and trying to put her down in her Moses basket, if it's not worked after an hour, she can sleep where she likes so we don't get her overtired - which it escalates into if we miss that tiny window where she supposedly lets us know she's tired (yawning, rubbing her eyes, turning away from us, heavy eyes). Earlier I took her for a 2 hour walk where she slept, now she's asleep on my lap - all bad habits we know we have to break, but one step at a time.

One of the problems in getting Charlotte to sleep appears to be she's just so alert and aware of things for her age already. Our health visitor told us she sees six week old's who aren't as alert with things like focusing and playing with her hands. So while we reading up on what a 3 week old "should" be doing, it appears Charlotte may well be ahead of the curve. While that sounds great, it means she's fighting her sleep more because she wants to know what's going on around her - it's almost as if she doesn't want to miss out on what's going on by dropping off to sleep.Another tactic we're going to try once again is swaddling - even though she manages to fight her way out easier than Houdini.

Such challenging times. There are plenty of times when I really can't see how we'll get past this, but everyone tells us we will, it will get easier, and this first six-eight weeks is the toughest. After that there'll be new problems and issues, but "those too will pass..."

TWO WEEKS OLD

Charlotte is now officially a citizen of the UK and the world. We registered her yesterday,which also culminated in her first ever tube and bus journeys.

We've been out pretty much every day in the past week which does us some good, although it can sometimes result in her getting a bit overtired. She seems to be doing a bit better in the pram and the occasional dummy has soothed her now and again. But she still gets really anxious and starts screaming once she realises she's not really close to me or my OH.

Talking to the midwife today - where of course Charlotte was as good as gold, and was signed off having put on more weight - she said we're just going to have to wean her off us, particularly for sleeping which could take weeks and weeks. That's really upsetting me as every time we try she gets so wound up, which winds me up and I'm ending up in tears more and more.
This afternoon she just went hysterical, and wouldn't even feed for about 6 hours.

I also can't stop worrying about what it's going to be like when OH goes back to work on Monday. Even though he works from home I know we won't be able to continue the tag team routine.

At the moment we're very much working in shifts, I'll get some kip from around 8/9pm in time for the 'nightshift' from midnight until anytime between 4 and 6am, depending on when she's fed. Then OH will do the next couple of hours while I get a bit more kip until after 9am. And we'll both manage an hour or so in the afternoon if we're lucky.

Most times that she's dropped off to sleep we've tried her again and again in the Moses basket. cot or playmat trying all the tips given to us from friends/midwives/health visitors. But within 10 minutes she's awake and cross. And that can lead to its own vicious circle of her getting so wound up she won't feed. So, to make sure she's getting enough sleep and food, we feel we have no choice but to make sure she gets several longer sleeps a day on us.

All we can think of is to gradually wean her off us and into the Moses/cot. If she wakes up and just constantly stirs without actually screaming, that's a bonus (but then I worry she's not getting enough sleep and the over-tired circle kicks in).

We keep telling ourselves she's still only 2 weeks old, but I really don't want to gamble on her growing out of it. The whole situation is just chipping away at my confidence - even though the feeding side of things seem to be going well.

One positive from the past few days -I've successfully been able to express one bottle a day, which means OH can give Charlotte one of her night feeds. Not that I've been able to sleep any extra, with worry.

TAKING A STEP BACK

I think we may be trying run before we can walk. Seeing patterns in Charlotte's sleeping and feeding where there aren't any - and aren't likely to be until at least six weeks.

It's just so hard to remember she's only a week old. She's absolutely amazing. So for her to get the food and sleep she needs we're just going tp have to go with what works for her rather than us. And for the next few weeks that means feeding her whenever she's demanding it (which we have been doing), even if it's snacks after less than an hour at times.

And if she'll only get a decent sleep on us for now, that's how she'll get her sleep. We can try one thing a day/night to get her used to her Moses basket, but trying too many different things too often is disrupting any sleep she does get far too much.