MY SECRET BLOG

(originally written 25/05/12)

Holy c**p - we're expecting number two! That means there'll only be 19 months between him/her and his/her big sister, Charlotte.

It was planned. We never wanted Charlotte to be an only child, I'm very much the wrong side of 30, and if I'm honest - I want to get all the 'baby years' out of the way as quickly as possible - rather than face the shock of a newborn again a few years down the line.

Despite that - we were very surprised how quickly it's happened, and in the couple of days since I've known I've had all sorts of emotions swirling round my head. And experience has taught me getting them down on paper (or laptop) can really help. But I'm keeping this blog secret, just for me, until I'm ready to go public a couple more months down the line.

My biggest emotion (aside from "how the hell am I going to cope with a newborn and under-2 year old at the same time?!) has been a feeling of betrayal. I feel like I'm betraying Charlotte by even considering a second. I know that sounds odd because it's her we want a younger brother or sister for - but I wonder how my pregnancy (and beyond) will affect the attention, love and nurturing I give her. She's still just a baby herself and consumes my whole life. She amazes (and frustrates) me on a daily basis - and I just look at her with so much love and wonder how on earth I'll find all that time, energy and affection for her once there's another one here too.

I know millions and millions of people have more than one child, and there will be enough time and love for two (still not sure about energy!) - it just seems so impossible right at the moment.

Anyway - I'm four and a half weeks pregnant, and 'it' is the size of a poppy seed. Going to have to think of a name for 'it' like we called Charlotte the 'Little Monkey' or 'Little Monster' before she arrived...