FOUR MONTHS OLD

So, I've actually managed to breastfeed 12 weeks more than I thought I would - albeit mostly in combination with formula. But now I'm really nearing the end, and - as I did at the same stage with Charlotte - I'm feeling really quite emotional about it.

 

Even though it's entirely my decision, I still feel guilty that I'm not doing it for longer, and that we've shifted to more formula over recent weeks. I'm still feeding James once in the day, and once or twice at night. But it kind of feels like I'm cheating, because I'm not whole-heartedly or exclusively breastfeeding. Part of the problem is that I'm surrounded by militant breastfeeding Mums - many still feeding their 20-month olds. But I must keep reminding myself that I've still managed to do more than many.

 

I think another issue is that it feels like the baby months are really quickly slipping away. While James is still way more a baby than Charlotte ever was,  with weaning looming on the horizon I know it won't be all that long until he's running around and talking back to me like his big sister does.

 

I'm really quite nervous about weaning this time round. Part of me really wants to give Baby Led Weaning a go properly - but another part feels I'd be more comfortable with the traditional purees and mashed food to start. I'll probably end up doing a combination of both. I just hope James is a better eater than Charlotte - I'm dreading having another child where most mealtimes are a battleground.

 

It's a very odd feeling: after nearly two years of looking into Charlotte's eyes and seeing myself reflected back, looking at James' fair hair and blue eyes, which is so alien to my side of the family, almost makes me wonder if he's part of me at all! But as Charlotte is a mini-me, James is a mini-me of his Dad - just a bit more gorgeous!

 

 

And I wonder if it's the winding up of me breastfeeding and James shaking off his really baby stage that is behind me constantly having a nagging thought in my head about.... having a third. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm 95% sure it won't happen - my OH isn't at all keen for a start. My head is saying NO (think of the practicalities - bigger car, getting three kids to playgroups and keeping an eye on them, taking them swimming etc.), but my heart is screaming YES (I long to be pregnant and give birth again, and have one last go at going through those crazy early weeks with a tiny baby).

 

I'm sure it's all hormones and I'm looking back over the recent past with rose-tinted glasses, and that's probably because James (so far) has been such a dream child. I just have to keep reminding myself that if I did have a third child, there's no guarantee he/she wouldn't be the massive handful that Charlotte is/was!

 

On a massive plus side, though - she's slept through the past five nights. It's only taken 23 months!