SIX WEEKS/20.5 MONTHS

Getting loads of proper smiles now :)

So I haven't given up breastfeeding after all :) Was so close last week, but pushed on through and each day things seem to be getting a little better.

I've had great support from the local hospital's breastfeeding 'guru' - she's been very encouraging, checking I'm doing everything right and not having a go at me for introducing the bottle or the odd bit of formula. The suggestion from her is that James is simply a hungry baby that needs feeding a bit more than we were used to with Charlotte. So that means top ups, or more frequent feeds - the latter of which isn't conducive to also looking after a 20-month old toddler.

So at the moment - I'm feeding James myself when he's awake enough and we've got the time, otherwise it's a bottle of expressed milk (or formula if we've not got enough), with top-ups from the bottle if he doesn't seem satisfied despite coming off the breast.

So a mish-mash of everything, which is hard work, but should get easier the more he's simply taking from the breast. And if he's full and winded, we have one very chilled out boy. In fact that's how both the bf woman and the health visitor described him - "chilled". Rather different to the "strong personality" we often heard to describe his sister!

Talking of her - she's having horrendous nights because of her constant cough once again. She's on another course of antibiotics after the doctor said she's got a lingering chest infection. But she seems happy enough in between coughing fits. 

Despite her rough nights, she's now sleeping in her 'big girl bed'. She kept ending up in it after cuddles to ease her cough anyway, so we thought we might as well try the full night. Unfortunately we've had one falling out incident, thanks to an ill-fitting bed guard (now rectified) - which ended up waking her up to the point of her thinking it was playtime, so ended up back in her cot. 

And I can hardly believe her speech can have improved even more week by week - but the full sentences she now comes out with astounds me. "Look Mummy - it's a breadstick", "Look Grandad, my jeans fell down!". The talking of a 3-year old if the experts and books are to be believed.

Lastly, for this post, we're trying to establish a bit of routine with James already - otherwise we have no idea where we're at. So we've started with bedtime. Bath, massage, feed, story, bed, starting at 6pm - just as we did with Charlotte from a similar age - and so far it seems to be working.

He definitely gets his longest sleep when he's gone down (usually between 7.30-8pm), and up for feeds roughly every 3-4 hours after that (usually around 11-30pm, 2am, and then anything between 0430 and 6am). But it's proving trickier in the day as he doesn't follow very much of a pattern from which to take his lead - other than alternating one very awake day and one very sleepy day. So any kind of napping schedule will have to wait, and I'm just feeding him when he's hungry or every 3-4 hours if it's not so obvious.

Oh, go on then - another picture of my smiley 6-week old:

BOTTLED IT

I have all but made the decision to knock the breastfeeding on the head.

James' sleepy, non-interested feeds are just getting worse and worse - to the point that most of them end up with a full bottle rather than just a 'top up'. Even when he's wide awake, he'll just lie there with the breast in his mouth, or very half-heartedly suck.

It's clearly a result of introducing the bottle and him finding much less effort than the breast. But we were left with very little choice a few weeks ago when he was losing weight, not pooing and clearly not getting what he needed from me.

Either way, whatever anyone says about me having done well to get this far - I still feel like I've failed him. I am so disappointed not to have even made it to six weeks, let alone three months or the four and a half months I managed with his big sister.

I so wanted to give him the same start as her - and it's all the more disheartening because it had started so well in the first two weeks. I was optimistic from the outset that breastfeeding would be a success this time, as it mostly was with Charlotte - and every morning recently I've tried to think "today will be better" - or even more recently "this feed will be better". But it never is.

The compromise at the moment is to give him as many bottles of expressed milk as possible, and formula when I haven't been able to express enough. But it means going through the rigmarole of feeding, expressing and sterilising even more so than if we just gave bottles of formula.

Everyone is telling me not to be too hard on myself and beat myself up over this - and I keep trying to remind myself that surely a more relaxed and happy Mum is better for James (and Charlotte) than a miserable one who is stubbornly trying to persevere.

But I can't help feeling a failure - it's such an emotional decision. Is not breastfeeding denying James what's "best" for him? Or is what's best for him actually a Mummy that's not stressed out over every feed...?

Oh, and he remains a very lazy, sleepy little boy - but we've definitely had smiles and a little more lovely awake time in the past few days.

TONGUE TIE SORTED

James had his tongue tie clipped yesterday. I found it pretty traumatic because they took him away to do it, so I couldn't see what was going on. But I fed him as soon as they brought him back, which stopped the small amount of bleeding straight away - and the feeding seemed a bit better.

It seems to have had an effect already - the afternoon/early evening feeds seemed a lot more successful, though I'm still having issues with having him awake enough at night for the night feeds. With any luck though, we'll soon be able to reduce the amount of bottle top-ups (and therefore expressing) we're giving him.

But that seems to have brought his weight up over the past week. He put on 120g between Tuesday and Friday, and 110g since Friday to bring him to 8lb3oz, which is fantastic. No doubt helped by the top ups, but hopefully that weight gain will continue with more efficient feeding now.

One thing we're really lucky with is that he seems to know night from day. After his 9/10pm-ish feed (after a fussy couple of hours where's on and off the breast) he's mostly been settling himself to sleep for the longest of his sleeps (or it would be if I wasn't still waking him after 3-4 hours for a feed). And will go back down after his nightfeeds for nice long stretches until 8.30-9am-ish.

Still early days for getting him to go down easily for a nap - that's the only time we're using a dummy at the moment, when it's not feasible to take him out in the pram or we're not in the car. And he'll often wake after 25 minutes - just as Charlotte always used to do - but unlike her, mostly goes back down with a bit of help.

NICE WEEKEND

At a time when we're still surviving each day and ticking off each week with a newborn, we had a really good day on Saturday: Charlotte had a nap, James had a poo, I had a bath and we made it out of the house!

In my book, that's quite a successful day in between feeding, expressing, and trying to get both kids to sleep. I think I even managed to put the hoover round. It helped that I wasn't worrying that my OH wasn't getting any work done. He is such a massive help during the week, but it's an added stress when I think he's not getting his work done.

And we're even convinced we might have seen a glimpse of a few very early smiles :)

Nearly four weeks in and we're starting to think about getting James on a bit of a routine. Nothing rigid - we'll give the EASY (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You Time) routine a go as we did with Charlotte. It really helps to give us a clue as to whether he's hungry or tired. Plus, the biggest thing we ever learnt from the early months with Charlotte was to watch for the tired signs as early as possible, because she was so difficult to calm and get to sleep once she got to overtired/over-stimulated.

The only down side of the past few days has been Charlotte's waking in the night. She just cries and cries for cuddles - often woken by James crying when he's up for a night feed. It means while I'm feeding, my OH has to deal with her, so neither of us are getting any sleep to relieve the other the following day.

On Sunday night my OH ended up sleeping on the floor in her room because she just would not settle without one of us in there. I know it must be a reaction to the big change in her life, so we're trying not to get angry about it. But we did jump at the offer from her Grandma to have her stay there for two nights this week - mostly so I can get James' feeding back on track and catch up on some rest.

REST IS BEST

We've been really struggling with breastfeeding this week. It had all been going so well for the first couple of weeks with James putting on weight and having plenty of dirty nappies. But since the weekend he's really struggled to feed properly which in turn is affecting my milk supply. And he's dipped below his birth weight - which is heartbreaking and totally demoralising.

I had a lactation consultant come round today and she says James has tongue tie which is affecting his latch. Although I don't know why that wasn't an issue in the first two weeks. On top of the feeding problems Charlotte and my OH have been suffering with a vomiting and diarrhoea bug since Saturday. All adding to the stress, lack of sleep and me probably not eating enough either.

Even when he seems to have had a decent feed from me, James just doesn't seem content and settled. And those decent feeds are becoming few and far between. I think it's a vicious circle of poor latch, not stimulating milk supply, making me worried, also affecting milk supply, and if he can't get what milk there is there from his latch then it all affects each other in turn.

For the past couple of days I have been expressing after every feed and giving James a top up of that or formula when I really don't think he'll take anymore from me. But that  means a continual cycle of trying to feed, offer a bottle, express - all while trying to occupy and look after a 20-month old. No wonder I'm tired and anxious. And it's stirred up all those conflicting feelings about giving him formula/bottles. 

On that issue, this article and this one make interesting reading.

So the answer for me at the moment is: offer James the breast and really try to get that latch right; once I think he's either satisfied or really not getting anything, offer him a top up of expressed milk if I have it or formula if I haven't, until he's full. And hope the (what feels like constant) expressing and fenugreek supplements will increase my supply. Oh, in between all that, try to eat more and sleep and look after Charlotte!

Thankfully I've had an awful lot of help from Grandparents this week, which has taken a tiny bit of the pressure off.

And when I really think he's not interested in food, but won't still won't settle, I have caved in and tried him with a dummy. Seemed to work for a short nap this afternoon, but until we get the feeding and latch back on track I am a bit loath to keep using it.

On a positive note, if I do need to get anyone else to feed him, James seems more than happy to feed from a bottle, and no apparent aversion to formula in an emergency - both potential pitfalls I know others have had a problem with when trying to offer an alternative to the breast.

And Charlotte's virus seems to have finally gone - she's getting her appetite back a bit, but that also means she's back fighting or completely refusing her naps once again.... just when (on the rare occasion James is also down) I need to be able to nap more than ever!

SLEEP ISSUES: HISTORY REPEATING

I'm kicking myself for worrying about how much James was sleeping - it's now a horrific battle to get him to settle and sleep.

All day he has been on and off the breast as it's been the only thing to calm him - and every time we put him down in his Moses basket he's awake and screaming his head off. We're desperate not to repeat the mistake we made of letting his older sister sleep on us, so persevering. And I'm also holding out on the hope that the past day of such unpredictable feeding and being so hard to settle may be his first of the dreaded growth spurts.

Having said that, he's asleep on me now. I'm desperate for him to get some sleep at least - and if that means one night of tag-teaming him sleeping on us, we may have to bite the bullet just this once (famous last words).

It also means his crying and screaming doesn't keep his sister up - who has been a bit of a nightmare herself this past week. Lots of waking in the night, mostly emotional - needing lots of cuddles. But two nights at her Grandmas seems to have helped, and she's slept much better the past couple of nights.

I'd forgotten quite how draining the unpredictability of a newborn was - the sooner we're into some kind of routine, the better - but that won't be for several more weeks at least, I don't think.

DOWN FROM THE HIGH

The Baby Blues and/or the culmination of more than a week's sleeplessness is/are definitely kicking in.

Had a terrible day yesterday - very teary and worrying over everything from how much James is sleeping (lots) to how little he feeds for (often just a 5 or 10 minute 'snack') and not spending enough time with Charlotte. 

It was all compounded by the fact we were missed off the midwife's list of visits, so stayed in all day for no reason, when we had plenty of other things to be doing. After chasing them up, a midwife finally came round at 7pm, and thankfully put my mind at ease over most of my concerns. How different the day could have been if she'd come earlier.

James has put on a bit of weight - but not up to his birth weight yet, so we're getting another midwife visit on Tuesday before we're discharged. When he does feed properly he is just a much more efficient feeder than Charlotte ever was, but the 'snacking' is normal too. And some babies just sleep an awful lot more than others. He's just soooo different to Charlotte, I find it all a bit disconcerting. But we have had a bit more awake time in the last couple of days - and he seems a very chilled out, content little chap.