SLEEP ISSUES: HISTORY REPEATING

I'm kicking myself for worrying about how much James was sleeping - it's now a horrific battle to get him to settle and sleep.

All day he has been on and off the breast as it's been the only thing to calm him - and every time we put him down in his Moses basket he's awake and screaming his head off. We're desperate not to repeat the mistake we made of letting his older sister sleep on us, so persevering. And I'm also holding out on the hope that the past day of such unpredictable feeding and being so hard to settle may be his first of the dreaded growth spurts.

Having said that, he's asleep on me now. I'm desperate for him to get some sleep at least - and if that means one night of tag-teaming him sleeping on us, we may have to bite the bullet just this once (famous last words).

It also means his crying and screaming doesn't keep his sister up - who has been a bit of a nightmare herself this past week. Lots of waking in the night, mostly emotional - needing lots of cuddles. But two nights at her Grandmas seems to have helped, and she's slept much better the past couple of nights.

I'd forgotten quite how draining the unpredictability of a newborn was - the sooner we're into some kind of routine, the better - but that won't be for several more weeks at least, I don't think.

DOWN FROM THE HIGH

The Baby Blues and/or the culmination of more than a week's sleeplessness is/are definitely kicking in.

Had a terrible day yesterday - very teary and worrying over everything from how much James is sleeping (lots) to how little he feeds for (often just a 5 or 10 minute 'snack') and not spending enough time with Charlotte. 

It was all compounded by the fact we were missed off the midwife's list of visits, so stayed in all day for no reason, when we had plenty of other things to be doing. After chasing them up, a midwife finally came round at 7pm, and thankfully put my mind at ease over most of my concerns. How different the day could have been if she'd come earlier.

James has put on a bit of weight - but not up to his birth weight yet, so we're getting another midwife visit on Tuesday before we're discharged. When he does feed properly he is just a much more efficient feeder than Charlotte ever was, but the 'snacking' is normal too. And some babies just sleep an awful lot more than others. He's just soooo different to Charlotte, I find it all a bit disconcerting. But we have had a bit more awake time in the last couple of days - and he seems a very chilled out, content little chap.

FIRST FEW DAYS (AND NIGHTS)

Oh my Goodness - what a difference having a newborn baby that actually sleeps in their Moses Basket makes! With Charlotte, she would only sleep on us for the first three weeks, which made doing anything virtually impossible. But James will - on most occasions, especially at night - sleep where he's "supposed" to.

In fact I can't believe quite how different he is to Charlotte. I know comparing the two of them isn't fair or helpful, but it's also natural to draw on our previous experience. Where she would feed for more than an hour most times - he seems happier with a good  15-20 minutes most feeds, but perhaps more frequently.

That's not to say I'm not still concerned about how much he's getting - all the wet/pooey nappies and weigh-ins in the world won't stop my anxiety over that. And I've started wondering if he's sleeping too much? Never happy, me!

James is also far more like a newborn baby than Charlotte ever was. Six days in and he's only really just starting to open his eyes and focus on things. He's still mostly quite curled up in the foetal position, and his cries are still very "mew-ing" as opposed to the much more powerful wails of his big sister at the same stage.

I'm sure we're much more relaxed having been through it before... in the middle of the night, I just have to think about the 19-month old in the next room to know we'll get through these tough first weeks/months, and things will get easier. But they feel easier already - partly because we're in a much more conducive environment (a nice big house rather than a poky little flat), and partly because he's seemingly eating and sleeping well.

Or he's just lulling us into a false sense of security....

DUE DATE BEEN AND GONE

As not in the least bit unexpected - we have passed our due date for Twiglet. It was yesterday, and - just as when expecting Charlotte - we had fun stuff planned to focus on instead. We went out for a really nice meal and to the cinema while Grandma babysat. Sadly, not even a second fix of James Bond brought on any sign that Twiglet's coming any time soon.

Last time round I was able to do quite a lot of walking - but the past week has been reallly snowy and icy, and as I'm pretty clumsy at the best of times I've been hibernating a bit. Not been totally lazy though - impossible with a 19-month old - so running around after her at home and at various playgroups means I'm on my feet quite a lot of the day. Time to break out the Raspberry Leaf Tea, I think.

Got a sweep booked for Tuesday, which is how it all kicked off with Charlotte so we'll see if that works this time. It's difficult not to get too fixated on it all being exactly the same as last time, so perhaps we should have something nice planned for Tuesday evening or Wednesday that's easy to cancel.

The one thing that's preying on my mind far more this time round than last is the knowledge that things can still go very wrong even at this very late stage. Not a day has gone by since last March when I don't think about what happened to our friends. The post-mortem inconclusively suggested the placenta just 'ran out of time' and stopped working, so of course the more overdue you are, the higher the risk. Those sort of thoughts tend to go through my head on the rare occaisions that I've got really comfortable in bed and suddenly think "I don't even feel pregnant" - just for a moment.

And of course sod's law - Charlotte's started sleeping much better through the night (had a couple of full nights recently), while I'm up every two hours for the loo or to get comfortable again! But she's refusing her daytime naps more and more, so getting rest in the day is at a premium.

Here's a cheeky picture of Charlotte enjoying the snow:

REFUSING TO NAP

Virtually nine months pregnant is not the best time for my 19-month old to start ditching her naps :(

As if I'm not exhausted enough from lugging her baby brother/sister around in my tummy, add to that a couple of really rough nights (combination of insomnia, Charlotte up at all hours coughing and Number Two doing the tango in there) - I'm now barely getting any rest time in the day.

Charlotte's been really really fighting her post-lunch nap for about a month now - needing to be rocked to sleep. I don't think we even did that when she was a tiny baby. But now even that's not working. After 45 minutes of just leaving her, rocking, lullabies etc I've given up (and invariably let her have some restful - for me - TV time instead).

My OH is very good at trying to help out by letting me have a nap or relaxing bath and he watches Charlotte for an hour or so - but with the impending arrival he's pushed with work to get as much done as possible before he goes on paternity leave. Plus he's doing most of the night duties with C, so is also knackered.

Charlotte always used to be a terrible napper - but it improved dramatically when she was about one. I guess it co-incided with her moving much more, but now that doesn't tire her out so much she's just not that tired. Having said that, on the occasions we do manage to get her down, she'll sleep for up to two hours, so she must be pretty tired.

It's just another battleground I could really do without - on top of the 'throwing all my food on the floor' battle, 'throwing all my toys' battle, Ronaldo-style roll-on-the-floor tantrums and a return to bad nights. I imagine it's only going to get worse once Number Two arrives and she's fighting even more for attention. Oh joy...

15 MONTHS OLD

Blimey - life's just so busy at the moment what with working, raising a 1-year old child and being pregnant with a second I just don't have time to update my blog very often.

At the risk of sounding repetitive, the past month has seen us dealing with yet more eating and sleeping issues. At one point about three weeks ago, Charlotte stopped eating almost completely. She wouldn't even touch her favourites - cheese and fruit. We eventually put it down to a tummy bug as she was a little bit sick, and slowly re-introduced easy purees and pouches of food.

A few days after she started eating something she perked right up and started eating us out of house and home for a couple days. Thankfully with the food 'sign' and her saying "Ooof", we know when she's hungry now which is useful.

Her appetite's levelled off now, and we still have days of struggling to get her to eat an awful lot, but that's more about keeping her attention rather than things she does and doesn't like. One day even the old favourites get pushed away, and only banana and a petit filous will do. One thing we have found that she loves is Tesco's Goodness microwave meals for over-1s. They seem pretty nutritious, and it's nice to have found something that bridges the gap between 'baby food' and 'proper meals'.

The last ten nights Charlotte has also been testing us to the limits with sleep deprivation once again. She's been up at least once a night, usually for at least 2 hours before she'll settle back down. We've tried letting her cry it out, holding her hand, nightlight, teething gel, paracetamol - one night one of those might work, the next night they don't.

But last night, she slept right through with just a couple of murmurs. No idea what will happen from here - whether a couple of nights of tough love letting her cry a bit more have worked, whether it was a one-off good night, or whether she's over this latest phase. Who knows? Guess we'll find out tonight. Really hope it's the latter.

Oh, and she's taken her first steps. That was a pretty big one that I nearly forgot. It's a fairly wobbly half dozen steps or so, but she loves trying to walk between me and her Daddy! "Again" she keeps saying - actually she says that  A LOT - usually for a book we've already read 14 times.

Had our 20 week scan a couple of weeks ago - although was 21+1 weeks. All good - and unlike last time, my placenta's not low-lying. I've had far fewer "skinny days" than I did with Charlotte - I'm feeling Twiglet several times a day, which is so reassuring. We were tempted, but we DIDN'T find out what flavour he/she is - so best start sorting the 'neutral' baby clothes from last time pretty soon! 

NINE MONTHS OLD

Bleeuurrrghh - her mornings are getting earlier and earlier. 0530 this morning. No longer the more bearable 0710 that she was doing for so long. Over the past couple of weeks Charlotte's literally been up with the birds - no matter how dark her room is. Really hoping it's just a phase. Although I am very lucky that my OH works from home and most days is very happy to get up with Charlotte at first light and give me an extra hour or two in bed, so I really can't complain.

While some days and weeks can still drag, if I'm honest, I can't believe we've made it to nine months already. Over the past month or so, I can really see the little girl Charlotte is turning into - and she's definitely edging more towards toddler and much less of a baby.

We had a visit from a Health Visitor this week as we've only recently moved to the area, and while she was here she did Charlotte's 8-12 month development check. No concerns whatsoever - Charlotte 'performed' brilliantly with plenty of babbling (which at times can sound like full on conversations!), following some of our commands (clap, clap; kiss dog) and playing with her musical toys. She's getting so good at imitating some of our sounds - to the point where she's almost getting there with actual words (balloon, and definitely Daddy).

Not really any nearer crawling, but she's stretching further and further forward with her bum off the ground, and always gets to what she wants by rolling. She's also started pointing at things quite a lot. To be honest, I'm relishing being able to put her down in one place for a while and know she'll pretty much still be in the same place, and not yet needing the eyes in the back of my head!

Her eating's a bit more back on track after her illness. Still favouring the easier jars of food to my home-cooked, slightly lumpier stuff. And as she's still a small baby her portions are still pretty small. She's slowly getting a little better with finger food - no problem at all with her favourites: bread, cheese and some fruits - strawberries and melon particularly), but we're persevering with others like broccoli and carrot that mostly just end up on the floor.

Bizarre one today when we took her to the pub - she happily munched away on a pickled onion for ages. 

Perhaps some of my food is just too bland!

UP ALL NIGHT (part 2)

After the previous week's horrendous night, Charlotte treated us to another one last week. We were at my parents', and she was up every 25 minutes-2 hours, screaming and screaming and not going back to sleep without an awful lot of effort.

That meant absolutely no sleep for us, and put paid to my first totally baby-free day. I had planned a day out in London while Charlotte's Dad and/or grandparents looked after her for the day, but I couldn't face a day of anything after no sleep at all.

(Please don't let this next sentence jinx the next few nights...!) She's been very good since we've been back home though - sleeping right through without a peep. But her daytime sleeping's gone back to being a struggle and rather erratic. Back to the 25 minutes, and only after a bit of effort. But if it's between a good sleep in the day or night, I know which I'd rather take.

Weaning seems to be be progressing well. At just over seven months, Charlotte now has breakfast (usually porridge as she doesn't like the wheat biscuit things at all) followed by a bottle around half an hour after she's got up (so anything between 0715 and 0800); then a 2-course lunch between 1130-1200 of something consisting of meat and vegetables, some finger food to try, and then a dessert (often yoghurt with fruit). And she's just starting to lose interest in her lunchtime milk completely, so we may well be dropping that next week.

Her food's getting less and less pureed and more mashed and slightly lumpy - even though she's still not got any teeth. After a mid-afternoon bottle, she then has another two courses at 1730 (before Waybuloo!) of something fishy/vegetabley, another dessert and another offering of finger food. And her final bottle is just before bed.

We've also started putting Charlotte on a potty after tea, just so she gets used to it - not really potty training at this stage - and 9 times out of 10 she'll do exactly what she's supposed to on it!

UP ALL NIGHT

Charlotte had her worst night ever. Not the worst since the early weeks - the worst EVER.

She went down fairly well at 7pm, despite her painful eczema and tummy, but then woke about four times in the subsequent hour and a half. So we tried giving her Calpol. Now, Charlotte must be the only baby for whom the apparent fail-safe for calming babies and getting them to sleep doesn't work.

From 8pm until midnight we had almost constant tears, screaming and crying - and definitely no sleep. We tried everything. We took her out in the car, tried rocking her in her pram, tried ignoring her cries. In the end I think she was just so exhausted she gave in, relaxed in my OH's arms and about an hour later dropped off in her cot - for all of two and a half hours. Then she was up every hour after that again :(

I even resorted to calling NHS Direct as a last resort as it was all so unlike her. Sod's Law - once I got through to a nurse Charlotte had calmed right down and wasn't screaming the house down. And by the time the out-of-hours surgery called me back, she was almost asleep.

She's had two good sleeps in the day today, and her constipation certainly seems to be easing. But her nasty eczema's getting worse and it's proving impossible to give her her antibiotics. She just won't swallow it - either by spoon or syringe , and when she does she often throws it straight back up, so we've no idea if she's actually getting any.

I think another trip to the doctors at the end of the week may be in order :(

GIVEN THE ALL CLEAR

We had a hospital appointment to have Charlotte's heart murmur checked out tody. I can happily report the doctor could find no trace, so - as is commonly the case - it's corrected itself over the past couple of months.

It was also a nice change to have a really good experience at a hospital after the conveyor belt and downright incompetence of our ante-natal and birth hospital appointments. The doctor and nurse were so lovely with both Charlotte and us, it was a more relaxed, personal experience, and renewed our faith in the health service a bit.

Charlotte continues to keep us on our toes (that's a polite way of putting it). After two nights of sleeping through from 7pm until just before 6am, she was up at 2.30 last night and nothing worked to get her back down until 4.30am. :(

On the plus side, in among her usual 25 or 40 minute naps she managed a whole hour and a half in the car yesterday. :)

WAKE TO SLEEP?

You could set your watch by Charlotte. Without fail she has exactly 40 minutes for her morning nap, and 25 minutes for each one after.

It doesn't matter if it's in her cot, her pram - even the car these days, which makes for very long car journeys (i.e. the six hours North we did at the weekend), as she understandably gets bored in her car seat for the hours she's not asleep and gets grizzly. And  in my book, 25 minutes is not nearly long enough - averaging out at about 2 hours of naptime a day, if we're lucky.

And she seems increasingly tired and ratty - making for fussy or sleepy feeds, and less happy Charlotte time. So what can I do about it? How can I get her to sleep longer than 25 minutes at a time in the day?

I've looked at the 'Wake To Sleep'  technique - but it goes against all my instincts, despite the fact I think it's worked a couple of times accidentally. For example when I've brought her out of the car just before she's about to wake up and she's stayed asleep for another 45 minutes in the flat in her car seat, or out in the pram when she's just about woken but I've rocked her a bit more and she's gone back down.

The thing I keep telling myself is that 10-15 years ago, Mums didn't have the internet or parenting books to turn to for advice or theories every time they thought their child was doing something not quite 'normal', They just got on with it and accepted that's how their baby is. And that's what I'm trying to do, in the hope that this is a phase that will pass and Charlotte will eventually nap for longer, or prove to me she doesn't need more than 2 hours in short spells every day.

She's also taken to waking at night, usually around 11.30pm, not for hunger. I'm not sure what's waking her - possibly very early teething or growing pains. We tried Calpol one night in case it was either of those things, but despite all other Mums telling me how brilliant it is at knocking babies right out to sleep for ages, it didn't work. For a few nights I ended up feeding her back to sleep, but I know that's a really bad habit to get into. Last night I put her dummy in (she goes to sleep without one usually) and soothed her - and on the third attempt she went back off to sleep for another three hours until she really did wake for a feed.

I have a new mantra to go with Patience and Perseverance... it's Relax and Enjoy. But that's proving harder and harder to tell myself the more she fights her sleep and sleeps on me instead of eating :(.

THREE MONTHS OLD

Well, we've made it to the magic three months - I'm told things should start falling into place from here on in!

To be fair, I think we're doing pretty well already. Charlotte's managing to nap more often than not in the flat now, albeit mostly only for 25-45 minutes; and she's virtually sleeping through the night. Most nights she's down by 7.30pm and she's been waking later and later for her feed... last "night" was 5.50 this morning!, then she went back down for another hour or so.

I'm really pleased I persevered with the breastfeeding, as that seems to be going OK. Keep wondering when I can lengthen the time between feeds (mostly still feeding every three hours, sometimes three and a half) - but if she's not up until 8am and then has her last feed around 6.30pm, there are only so many hours in her day to get another three or four feeds in.

I often get e-mails from various baby websites telling me what my 12 week old, or three month old, or whatever 'should' and 'could' be doing - always with the caveat that babies all reach different milestones at their own pace, and not to worry if my baby's not doing what others are. But you can't help but wonder "what if" - what if the fact Charlotte hates tummy time so much means she won't sit up/crawl/walk properly; what if her catnaps affect her development; what if she doesn't start talking in another year or so?

To be honest, I'm not really worried about the latter two examples, and even the first one is concerning me less as she's been making further strides in trying to roll onto her side - craning her neck, arching her back etc; and her back and neck are getting stronger and stronger when held upright. She'll be fine, and will do all the things babies are supposed to do - eventually.

FLYING SOLO

My respect for single parents and families where one parent is often away has increased massively in the past couple of days. My OH is away for a few nights, leaving me with Charlotte on my own for the first time. It's not the hard work that's an issue - I'm only doing what I do most days - it's the loneliness. There's an oddly intense loneliness that comes with being alone with a baby that's 100% your responsibility.

I guess I feel it a bit more as my OH works from home, so he's always around to bounce off when I have any problems or concerns.

But so far, so good. She even had her second set of jabs today - and despite letting out the biggest, blood-curdling screams I've ever heard for a good 10 minutes, she seems OK and happy now (actually she's asleep now, which is even better!). She's also put on enough weight to stay on the same percentile, which the Health Visitor (and I) was pleased with.

Charlotte's had a couple of odd nights where she's clearly woken up, but not seemingly for a feed. A couple of times I've popped her dummy back in and she's slept for another couple of hours before needing to be fed. The other night she was wide, wide awake at 0140 - so I just popped to the loo before going back to feed her. When I returned she was fast asleep again!

She's also lying in her Moses basket quietly 'muttering' to herself, or just staring into space, more - very quietly. So it makes me wonder how often she's actually wide awake, when we assume she's asleep in her room, but just silent - especially during her daytime naps (still only managing 25-45 minutes each time, but better than nothing).

And here's my cute picture of the week, for purely indulgent purposes!

On our way to the doctors in her harness for her jabs - her smiles were short lived :(


 

edit: Charlotte slept for ages last night after her jabs (and no Calpol) - heard the odd cough and murmur, but she seemed to sleep from 1915 until 0455, then back to sleep until 0730 after a feed. I say seemed - she's just done what I mentioned earlier - popped in check on her 35 mins into her morning nap, and she was lying there with her eyes wide open, totally silent. So all the time I assume she's sleeping and would just leave her to it until I hear her crying, she might not be asleep - so now I have no clue as to how much sleep she's getting...

ROUTINES, PATTERNS AND LAUGHTER

As Charlotte approaches 12 weeks, I've been really trying to see the patterns in her behaviour to see if it will help us with sticking to any form of routine. So far as I can tell, she can't go past two hours without needing a nap, or else overtiredness very quickly sets in and it's extremely difficult to put her down for a snooze.

That's particularly true when it comes to her nighttime sleep. She really needs a little nap sometime around 5pm to make sure she's not overtired by the time we put her down at around 1845. The last few nights we've made sure that's happened by taking her out for a walk, and she's gone down with barely a whimper.

She's also edging back to between three and three and a half hours between feeds, after last week's growth spurt and extra feeds. While we've been trying to do the EASY (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You Time) routine, because she only catnaps, at least once a day it means Eat and Sleep fall at around the same time. That results in her falling asleep while feeding, or not sleeping well because she's hungry.

The first nap of the day is getting much easier to judge. It's usually around an hour and a half after she's got up, she's usually pretty easy to put down and she'll sleep for up to an hour. The only downside to that is that it falls at exactly the time I'd like to take her to a couple of sessions at the local Children's Centre (Baby Beethoven and Baby Stay and Play), which both start at 9am. So I'm giving those a miss for the time being, while we continue to establish a routine and pattern to Charlotte's day.


She also tends to be at her most alert and active in the afternoon. She's started grabbing toys that are put next to her and being much more co-ordinated with hitting objects. She did get a bit upset when she couldn't work out that she had to ungrip her fingers to let go of something, but I think she's worked that one out now!

The absolute best moment came on Tuesday evening - just as we were about to wind down from playtime to nighttime. Charlotte came out with two bouts of the most brilliant laughter. It was proper, full-on giggling that had me weeping with happiness! I hope to hear much more of that in the weeks and months to come...

GOING BACKWARDS

It seems a very long time ago that Charlotte was managing to settle herself straight to sleep - or with just 10 minutes' coaxing. The past three nights have seen a return to the screaming ab-dabs for up to 40 minutes as she fights going down to sleep. I don't think it's connected to the fact that we've started putting her in her own room, as she was the same on Thursday night when she was still in our room. And I don't think it's connected to her apparent growth spurt either.

Part of the problem is that she's so overtired after not having had enough sleep during the day, which is well documented in this blog. It doesn't seem to matter whether it's in her Moses basket, pram or harness these days - she just won't stay down for more than half an hour. We seem to be putting her down at the right time as it's not taking too much effort to get her to sleep, but after that it's up to her and she's just not staying asleep. She doesn't wake up especially grouchy or crying - usually she's quite playful - which makes me think the catnaps are all she needs. But then when she's barely had two hours in total all day, it's resulting in a nightmare evening.

She also seems to react to the moment we start to wind-down and make it 'nighttime' by making the flat darker and quieter. While we're told it's really important to have a bedtime routine so she knows what's coming next and helps her to sleep, it seems to have the opposite effect on Charlotte - she knows what's coming... bedtime... and she doesn't like it. Her baths have been great, but after that she'll scream the place down until her feed, and then again until we've resorted to white noise, rocking and/or cuddles to calm her.

We know this is just another phase that will pass, but it feels like we're taking another few steps backwards in her sleeping at the moment. And it upsets me that the image that I have of Charlotte before I go to bed is of an upset and unhappy child.

But it is nice to have our bedroom back!

DADDY SAYS RELAX

I go one good day with Charlotte and then start questioning everything - is she feeding enough, sleeping enough, too hot, too cold???

Last night was very warm, and despite the fact she'd been asleep for a good couple of hours and was in the same number of layers as the previous warm night, I panicked that she was too hot. So we stripped her out of her 1 tog sleeping bag while managing to keep her asleep. But then she fed really fussily at 1am, so I thought she was still too hot and took off her sleepsuit. It took a couple more feeds, a change of nappy and fretting over whether she was now too cold in just a vest and sleeping bag to get her back to sleep. I know it was all my fault as I'd fussed and fussed over her and woke her totally up, but it meant she didn't go back down until after 3am.

Why I didn't just stick with what we'd done the night before which worked perfectly, I don't know. But a vest, sleepsuit, sleeping bag and sheet (to keep her arms swaddled) seemed excessive in 24 degree heat.

Her Dad did the morning feed the next morning with expressed milk (slowly managing to get that back on track) to give me a bit of a lie-in. But I can never relax and only managed about half an hour's extra sleep. I still worry whether she's getting enough food from me, despite her obvious happiness and alertness and (mostly) good nighttime sleeping. I guess I've just got that total 'new mum neurosis' and - as my OH keeps telling me over and over - I've got to learn to relax; she's a baby - not yet three months old - and she'll do what she wants.

CAT-NAPPING

Sorry to be all repetitive, but it's that age-old issue of daytime sleeping again.

After a good day yesterday, we've had a really bad day today. I don't think she got much over an hour's sleep all day, which I know can't be good for her - and that's likely to have a knock-on effect on tonight's sleep.

At her weigh-in this week, Charlotte had put on a little more weight, staying on the same 9th percentile, so the health visitor wasn't concerned. When we asked her about her sleeping, she said cat naps weren't a problem (Charlotte's only been doing the odd half an hour here and there just lately) - so long as all her sleep is adding up to around 12-14 hours in a 24 hour period. I think most days/nights we average around 10 hours.

The news that cat naps aren't a problem made me a bit more relaxed. But I'm still getting really wound up and frustrated when she won't even nod off when it's really obvious she's tired (all the usual signs - yawning, rubbing her eyes and ears, grizzly). And as I've mentioned several times before, that lack of sleep affects her feeding too. Twice today she nodded off on the breast, which meant she wasn't full. The second time, I just let her sleep on me for half an hour as I was so concerned by how little sleep she'd had.

My OH seems a little too relaxed about her daytime sleep, which winds me up a bit, as I feel like I'm the only one striving to get Charlotte exactly what she needs. He says we're giving her the opportunity to sleep (walking her in her pram etc), but there's nothing else we can do to actually make her fall asleep and stay asleep. But even some of those fail-safes are now failing. If she does manage to nod off in her pram it's now for little more than half an hour; even the car is a little hit and miss.

Yesterday, however, was a good example of what a good day's sleep can result in. I took Charlotte out for the day to a nearby town - partly to give my OH plenty of space and time to work without interruptions and for a change of scene for me. Charlotte and I had a little bit of play time on a picnic rug, and after her feed she promptly fell asleep in her car seat which was on her pram - and stayed asleep for more than two hours!

That evening, she got herself off to sleep beautifully. She woke briefly at 2315 which didn't seem to be for a feed, so we tucked her back in and gave her a dummy - and she promptly slept for a further five hours - nine in total. All very good for her, but I was constantly clock-watching - thinking she'll wake any time for a feed, why hasn't she woken for a feed... then, it's been 8, 9, 10 hours since her last feed.

So, as she slept like the proverbial baby I still didn't manage to catch up on any lost sleep. I think that tiredness exacerbates my frustrations over her daytime sleeping. And that frustration inevitably sees me end up in tears. I don't think I've gone more than a day without crying in recent weeks. It's only because I care so much for Charlotte, and want to do everything right by her - and I guess I feel I'm failing a bit at that if I can't get her the sleep she so obviously needs...

edit: so much for worrying what sort of sleep she was going to get. Went down pretty much by herself by 1930 until 0130 for a feed. Then back down until QUARTER PAST SEVEN (albeit the OH tucked her back in when she was squirming around a lot at 0430 and he was awake anyway). Despite my concerns over her daytime sleep, I really am aware at how lucky we are that she has her big chunks of sleep at night.

THE SECOND GUESSING

Firstly, just a quick update on the breastfeeding. I've persevered and I think we're getting back on track. Charlotte's still being rather fussy after about 10 minutes, but I just keep going, and all the signs are that she's getting plenty of food. She's certainly content - she's currently playing with her favourite toy: a helium balloon tied to her ankle or where she can grab the ribbon with her hands, and squealing and kicking like a mad woman!

Still not managing to express much, but I'll persevere with that as well, and hopefully that'll also get better once the 'message' gets to my body over several days that it needs to produce a bit more milk at certain times. All in all I think we only ended up giving her one bottle and a couple of top-ups of formula, which makes me feel good. We'll see what happens at her weigh-in on Wednesday, but wet nappies and a happy, content child tells me what I need to know.

Now, I spent much of yesterday wondering how Charlotte managed three nights of sleeping for six-and-a-half to seven hour when we were up North. What were we doing differently last week up there? Was it a slightly darker room? Was it the long sleeps in the middle of the day in the car? Was it the more relaxed atmosphere with lots of relatives helping me stay relaxed and giving her plenty of attention? Was she getting more fresh air? Was it because her Moses basket was static, not in its rocker? Was it even the couple of alcoholic drinks I had while we were away? There are just too many variables - as has also proved to be the case in today's unusual daytime sleeps (see below).

Since we've been back home though she's been back to her 2330 and 0330 wake ups - no longer than four hours sleep at one time.... until last night, out of nowhere! She slept from 1900 until 0130 which really threw me. Sadly, she didn't go back down to sleep very well. She spent the best part of three hours chewing on her hands, despite my best efforts to restrict her arms under her sheet and put her dummy back in.

The chewing her hands is really un-nerving me - she's doing it right now - though I'm still pretty sure it's her just discovering them, rather than necessarily telling me she's hungry. But I fed her again, and she eventually dropped off for another hour and a half.

Charlotte then threw us another curve ball. After a week of sleeping for no longer than half an hour in her Moses basket in the day, she went down for more than an hour and a half this morning between 0830 and 1010. She wasn't in her gro-bag, so may have been slightly cooler, which might have helped. Or was it because she was in her slightly darker nursery, rather than our room? I really have no idea. The only thing I can guarantee is that if we try the same things again tomorrow, they won't work...!

edit: just put her in her basket for a second while I got ready to take her out for a lunchtime sleep in her pram as I was pretty sure we wouldn't see a repeat of this morning - and she's fallen asleep! She must be really tired after last night's fist chewing session (and all that playing with her balloon!).

We're a long way from the first two weeks when she'd only sleep on people (she won't do that now!) - and I find myself not knowing what to do with myself once she's asleep in day!

TWO MONTHS OLD

Charlotte is two months old today, and we've just got back from having her first immunisations (or second if you count her BCG on day one). What another absolute farce at the doctors. Despite going over with them at length if there was any problems in her not having her 6 week check-up until she was nearly 10 weeks (after they kept cancelling and not having the available staff), when I got there today I was told she couldn't have her jabs until she'd had her check-up.

After an angry and tearful exchange, they booked me in for both her check up and immunisations for Friday, but I was allowed to see the Health Visitor today. She was weighed - 4.3 kg/ 9.47lb - and sadly she's dropped into a lower percentile. While the HV said she wasn't concerned at this stage (though asked me such stupid questions such as 'do you think you've got enough milk in your breasts? - how should I know???), she does want to weigh Charlotte again next week.

And despite her saying she's not concerned, it still knocked me sideways a bit, because I think she's been feeding really well. But - as both Grandmothers have pointed out to me - when she's awake she's so active, she'll burn off far more energy than many more docile babies. We're back to 'no two babies being the same' again. All I do know, is that after her feeds she is almost always content. 90% of the time we seem to have a very happy, playful baby. Certainly not one that is underfed and constantly crying for food (though the increased chewing on her hands has caused me some concern, but she does that even after a really good feed as she's clearly discovering her hands and fingers).

When I came out from that check-up, a little upset, the receptionist told me there'd been a cancellation, so the Doctor could do her 6 week check up (at nearly 9 weeks!) then and there, and therefore she could have her jabs. Check-up was mostly fine, but we've been referred to a specialist as the GP picked up a heart murmur. He said it was more than likely benign, and pretty common, and nothing really to worry about. But you can't help but do with a tiny, helpless baby when you're told her heart needs attention.

And then came her jabs. At first she screamed no more than we hear most days when she's overtired, but about 30 seconds later she let out an almighty howl - louder than I've ever heard. It was the perfect storm of the needles, being tired and hungry. I just tried to comfort her as best I could.

We're back home now after the best part of two weeks at both sets of grandparents. And I must say it feels a bit daunting all over again without their support for the coming weeks. But Charlotte is definitely still making progress. I think we've just about nailed getting her an hour's sleep in the mid morning - usually around 9am - without too much of a fuss. Now we're trying to crack a longer sleep around lunchtime. The past six days though, that's been easy because we've had long car journeys that have fitted in, and she's slept right through most of them. Just need to transfer that sleep to the Moses basket now.

Talking of sleep, as expected, her seven hour stretches at night from the past few nights didn't continue. She was up as usual at around midnight and 4am for feeds. Only what I expected to be honest, and it really isn't a problem. Not sure what she'll do tonight after her jabs.

Driving back down yesterday - with two months under our belts - I got to thinking about what advice I'd give to one my closest friends who's expecting her first baby in December. Here's what I think I'd tell her to expect:

• You will read books and internet forums searching for advice - but take all of that with a pinch of salt and really try not to. A lot will scare you. The best people you can go to, for the best advice and reassurance, are your friends who've been through it all so recently.
• You will live your life by the clock - checking how long since your baby last fed, had a sleep, has been asleep, needs waking for a feed.
• Just as you think you've got the hang of something, i.e. breastfeeding, your confidence will be knocked when your baby throws you a curve-ball by doing something different (eg sleeping for longer/shorter, feeding for longer/shorter) and so you start to question everything all over again.
• You will get conflicting and confusing advice from all the health professionals - and they'll make you feel guilty about everything: feeding, weight gain, sleep - yet qualify it with every baby is different. Try to follow your gut instinct, even when you feel you have none.
• The overwhelming love and bond may not be there instantly. It's taking me weeks to get there, slowly.
• And the one thing that EVERYONE says, that is ABSOLUTELY TRUE, but which seems impossible during that first month, is that it DOES get easier. Your baby will become more manageable once you get to recognise their needs more and more, and once they start learning what to expect throughout each day.

PARTY GIRL

We're in the middle of a bit of a holiday, split between both sets of Grandparents. The first half coincided with one Grandad's birthday, so we decided to through a 'Welcome to the World, Charlotte' party at the same time. It was just a BBQ on a  lovely Sunday afternoon with a couple of dozen of my friends, their kids and a few of my Mum and Dad's friends.

It all went very well - though the over-stimulation from being passed from person to person, lack of daytime sleep and very hot temperatures equaled a pretty rough night. Charlotte wouldn't sleep for any more than 2 hours at a time, and I fed her each time she woke - which meant about four feeds in the night, more than she'd get in the day. I won't be doing that again in a hurry if I can help it, and have taken on board several suggestions of trying cooled boiled water when it's especially hot (despite advice to the contrary from various health visitors).

It is very lovely being down at my parents' where there are twice as many hands on deck to help out. Plus a lovely big house and garden to calm Charlotte down in. And in still trying to get her to sleep properly in the day, she's taken quite well to sleeping in the pram or car seat in the outdoors...

catching flies in the garden

... there are a couple of downsides though. As her maternal grandparents dote on her so much, I've become something of just the 'milk bar'. All I seem to do is feed her, then one of them will want to play, or have a cuddle, or take her for a walk. I barely see her other than attached to my breast or when the hard work to get her to sleep starts. At one point, my Mum passed Charlotte over to me and said "here's your 'other' Mummy" - to which I didn't quite know what to reply I was so taken aback.

I do get the impression from them sometimes that I'm not doing it 'right' - whatever that is. When me and C's Dad use tools like White Noise to calm her down, or question using cooled boiled water to quench her thirst - and various other differences that creep in over a 34 year span of 'new rules' and ways of doing things - I get the odd look or slightly disapproving comment. All I can say is that I am doing what I think is best. There is no right or wrong, but it does upset me at times.

They always see the best bits of Charlotte. The beauty of being a Grandparent is it comes without quite so much stress and anxiety of being a first-time parent. If they think back 34 years, I'm sure they might just remember that it wasn't all smiles, gurgles and happy playtimes for them when I came into the world. They were coupled with concern, tough nights, trying anything to calm me down and stop me crying. But decades on all that gets forgotten, and - happily - replaced with just the fun, fond memories.

I guess what upsets me most is that I'm still bonding with Charlotte. I'll readily admit I'm not fully there yet. I don't yet feel the overwhelming, unconditional love - that's not to say I don't love her. But her Grandad and Grandma are there - in spades. I wish I was. I'll get there.